Merlin Star's Website

Currently, I am triggered. This is part of my complex post-traumatic stress disorder. This is mostly a stream of consciousness and so will be less polished than my other writings.

First, I saw news on a triggering event on LinkedIn. No trigger, gave the person support.

Then, saw the same news by 5 different people in a row. I feel a punch to the gut. My body tenses up. I feel tempted to cry. That’s my warning signal to immediately stop or I might get really bad flashbacks.

I get off. I take a breather. I switch apps. I calm down a bit. My body is still tense. My mind is racing slightly. I keep looking around my own room for danger. I cannot fully relax.

While in this current state of trigger, my paranoia increases. I start checking things I know are safe just in case. I start wondering how safe I am. I also fight myself in not thinking the trigger, least that accidentally escalate and cause several other triggers to happen and cause a massive meltdown. My abdomen feels tight. I can’t really think too much outside of my favorite things, my trauma, or the triggering event.

My mind feels foggy. My sense of time goes from days to hours. I can’t really think of tomorrow when triggered. I can think of now, a few minutes later, and a couple of hours, but everything becomes really hazy after that.

Everything sounds louder. Lights are brighter. My body is more sensitive to sensory information. Stuff that I can filter out normally is now front and center. This makes it easier for me to go into sensory overload.

I am normally not this calm when triggered. Usually, I’m in mild panic, but currently, I am just very uneasy. Tempted to apologize for the jumbling of words, but someone might need to see this and say “I see myself here”.

I can feel my subliminal feelings much easier. Normally, I have to tap in and listen to recognize them, but when triggered, I have to use effort to block it out.

The fog eases. Time flows normally and not like every second is going to be the next big thing. Noises are easier to filter. Lights are no longer overwhelming. I stop checking if I’m safe for the 15th time.

I am out of the trigger. This was my real time stream of consciousness. Was triggered for about 90 minutes. If I felt all over the place, congrats, you are starting to capture the vibe of being triggered.

Let me know if something like this would interest you in the future or not.